Some days I am just so angry. No, angry is not a strong enough word to describe how I feel - I am furious that I have to continually deal with and work through the fallout of my sexual assault.
Some days, I’m on top of the world, powering through my business and making big impacts on other survivors, and then there are days like today.
When my stress-induced eczema is flaring up so badly that I can’t move without pain or intense itchiness that I cannot ignore. Days where my stress from trying to overcome my deep self-loathing and self-doubt is so overwhelming that no mantra, no sunshine, no breathwork takes it away. Days where I want to be close to my boyfriend but my self-consciousness of my skin and my other insecurities are telling me that he doesn’t find me attractive anymore so I lash out and push him away when I need him the most. Days where I seem to just spin my wheels, spending all my energy just trying to survive, trying to feel like a human again instead of a weak, damaged, vulnerable victim.
When I have a moment of clarity and recognize that this all stems from my assault, this is all from how I’m feeling on the inside, the fury takes over, the rage pours out of me that this is my life. Fury that this is what I have to deal with, while he gets to be out in the world, completely free of the consequences of his actions. I have to slowly nurse my skin back to health, starting with my mental and emotional state. I have to convince myself that my self-loathing is false, that I do have value, that I am worthy of success and love. I have to stir up my own strength and courage to ensure I don’t plunge back into the darkness of my depression. I’m left to pick up the pieces, years later, still dealing with the consequences of what he did to me. Instead of focusing my energy on thriving, healing others, building my business, my energy is at square one: bringing back the basic feelings of safety and wellbeing.
Sometimes the rage fuels me to keep going, keep pushing, don’t let him win. Other times, it defeats me, sends me back five steps instead of progressing, helping others. Some days, I am a badass healer and an unstoppable force. Some days, like today, I am unable to contain my anger at the injustice of it all, and I can’t help but to cry for my lost joy, stolen trust, and what could have been if my body and my sovereignty were respected. But the good news is that a day is just 24 hours, and when the sun rises tomorrow, it brings a fresh day for me to take back control of my life and keep it moving. I may not have kept the negativity at bay today, but I always pick up where I left off and keep moving forward.
My bad days will never completely win, what happened to me will never completely stop me. I’ll allow myself this day to feel the anger, the negativity, the injustice, but then I’ll shake it off, see the bigger picture of my destiny, and continue to drag the darkness of sexual trauma into light so myself and my clients can be free of the pain. If you understand these feelings, this frustration, keep going. Keep fighting. Take a rest when you need it, but then pick yourself up and keep going. If we never give up, things will change and all this pain will be worth it.