It's absurd how we raise our boys, and for a long time I couldn't open my heart to their pain because I was too worried about healing women. But I see the truth now, that men are hurting just as women are, but from different pain
If we're going to heal the tremendous amount of sexual and emotional trauma in this country, we have to admit where we're going wrong. We are not just failing women by allowing them to be degraded and abused. We're also failing men, by forcing toxic masculinity on them in childhood.
It's no easy feat for a man to hire a coach in this society, and the men who hire me learn how to stop feeling like a "good for nothing piece of crap" and see how worthy they are of love, how to express themselves freely rather than bottle it up, and how to have healthy relationships with women and/or their children.
Little boys are told "boys don't cry", "boys don't play with dolls" "boys don't wear pink" "girls play hard to get to be pursued" and on and on and on. Boys are taught from infancy that emotions = feminine, feminine = weak, weak = bad. How terrifying is that? Of course they have no idea how to properly deal with their emotions or respect women, they're taught their whole lives that anything feminine is beneath them!
The most misogynist, sexist men are victims of their own deep emotional pain and terrible mis-education. This does not excuse misogynist or sexist behavior by any means, but this deep hatred and mistreatment of women is not something men are born with. Men are taught to degrade women. I am not fooling myself to believe that a misogynist is going to see the light and hire a coach to help them change their ways, but it's important to recognize that in order to heal women, we must heal our men as well.
When a man hires me, they usually have a huge heart, but since they were never taught to process their emotions, they find themselves taking their frustrations out in destructive ways. By lashing out at their kids for the smallest annoyance, exploding on their partner anytime something goes wrong, shutting down when things get tough, drinking too much, punching walls, destroying things, etc. All of these patterns are taught as acceptable because the only emotion a man is allowed to show is rage. As long as he's expressing anger, anything goes.
I help these by men by nurturing them. Teaching them how to express themselves. Helping them see that they're not doomed to become the domineering or emotionally unavailable parent their father was. Helping them see that they are not to blame for their mother leaving or having issues of her own. The men I help are emotionally wounded because they were not cared for enough as a child because "boys don't hug" or because he needed to "toughen up", or because his parents taught him faulty behaviors.
It's absurd how we raise our boys, and for a long time I couldn't open my heart to their pain because I was too worried about healing women. But I see the truth now, that men are hurting just as women are, but from different pain. It must be absolute torture to have all the emotions women do, but never being allowed to express them, not even in the privacy of their own home. That is a horrible way to live, and creates a society of repressed, wounded men who pass their pain onto their sons, creating a ripple effect of repression, toxicity, and sexual violence towards women.
I started my healing business to help women heal from sexual violence and trauma. But that cycle will never end without healing men from their pain as well. If you are a man who is in deep pain, depression, can't stop destroying relationships, whose father was domineering, harsh, or not around, or whose mother was cold, distant, or didn't know how to love you, please don't suffer in silence. It is not your fault, and you do not have to carry this pain for the rest of your life. Let me help you.
Break the cycle of toxic masculinity. Be brave and speak your truth, that's what separates the boys from the men - a willingness to heal and stop the horrible pain from continuing on. Please reach out.